“‘Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,’ says the Lord.
‘Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch out your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left.'”
I use to read this portion from Isaiah 54 consistently growing up. I didn’t care about jobs or careers or even getting married, the only thing I knew I wanted was to be a mother. But even early on, I knew I was going to have fertility issues. Without going into detail, I just knew by the weird things my body did and doctors’ confused faces as a result, being a mom was going to be a tricky accomplishment.
In 2004, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome by Dr. Katz in Saint Paul. This was a bittersweet answer. Maybe more sweet because I finally had an answer for the chaos that doctors in Fergus Falls and Fargo couldn’t name for over a decade. But sorrow because one of the main issues with women that suffer with PCOS is infertility. Of course my first reaction was, I KNEW IT! So again, I returned to Isaiah.
I have no important explanation or historical enlightenment of these verses. I have no special insight about what it means to Israel or any other people, but I have an explanation for me. This gave me hope. Hope was all I needed. Hope that a barren woman, like me, would have so many descendants that I would have to make my dwelling bigger to hold them. That was my dream! That was my longing! I wanted a house full of giggles and pattering feet and even blobs of food stuck to the kitchen wall and maybe a few poopy diapers. I wanted it all. I wanted to dance to the chorus of a house full of kids. And this portion of scripture, at least I was convinced, was just written for me.
I was in Target yesterday. Being on an utterly strict budget, I had little money to spend, but just the feeling of roaming a store with so many cool things always does my heart a little good. I used to use retail therapy and well, some would say it is down right stupid to roam the store where I used to find consolation for so many years, but this time was different. I returned a pair of pants Tosten got for Christmas because he had the same pair. After returning the pants, I had a little over five dollars to spend…on something. Yes, I should have spent it on him, but for some reason, my logical mind thought, man, he has plenty! He has more than me in his short little twenty months of life. So, I looked at the christmas clearance.
When Tyler and I first married, I wanted matching stockings to hang for Christmas. Not matching colors, per se, but matching in shape. Of course, I got these cool elf shaped stockings. That was a great idea at the time, until I realized I’m a bit too matchy and every other person that we added to our family would have to have the same shaped sock. After trying to find a sewing pattern and searching high and low at other stores, I realized only Target carried the exact same shape as our originals.
For the past two years, I have bought this shaped sock at Target at 70 percent off. I guess I may be one of the few people out there that think these stockings are cute because they always have tons of these socks left! Oh well, good for me. Well, back to my story. Yesterday, I was roaming Target. Nothing really planned, but a walk through any store without kids is always a mini vacation. I decided to mosey through the Christmas clearance. This was well past Christmas. A WHOLE week past Christmas. People were roaming through the aisles and saying, “Yeah, it’s pretty picked over.” I was about to leave, secretly agreeing in my mind. I skipped the candy aisle. Okay, so I sniffed it a little, but didn’t touch a morsel. Right when I was leaving the section, there was one lonely stocking. Hanging at the bottom on the left was a red and green elf sock! Nothing else around him, just by his lonely.
Now you are probably saying to yourself, what’s the big deal? Well. Let. Me. Tell. You. This was another stocking that matched my family of four stockings! Every year I have done this and every year I receive a pregnancy! It’s not like I become pregnant immediately at the touch of the stocking, but to me, it holds some type of promise.
To have Tosten was a pure miracle. Even with the help of doctors and ultrasounds the medications, Tyler and I conceived in the chaos of doctor visits naturally. The nurse told us, and I quote, “This month won’t work. We can try again in August. But you can still try, [insert large shrug and huge smirk here] crazier things have happened.” We had Tosten Lee nine months later on the bathroom floor. Olivea Jamae’s story is just as miraculous. She survived in the face of past miscarriage and even medication the doctor put me on to spur on a period. She was born nine months later, nine pounds and eyes wide open, looking up, so she could see the world!
So the stocking made me want to skip around like a giddy elf. Maybe like Will Ferrell on the movie Elf. Was it possible God would allow us to conceive again? What a beautiful, incredible, shocking gift to bestow on us. Now, I know Target may have these stockings for the rest of my life. After all, it seems like no one else is making this specific elf cut. I mean, I know. I have searched. But I only want four. Four kids. That would leave my soul full. And the fact that I can even say the number I desire to have is so freeing.
So I bought it. I bought this green and red stocking. I love it. I may just hang it in my living room indefinitely just to remind me that there is hope. Despite the odds against me and what doctors may say, there is hope. For a once labeled infertile woman, I have conceived 3 times and I can choose to have more children, if I want. And I do. And I even have the hope that I can say, “Just not yet,” because I know that when God sees fit, He can and He will bless.
For you out there that may be labeled infertile, or maybe you were like me and not married but you YEARN to be a mother, and then those that have had children but for some reason God has not given you more, take heart. Wait in anticipation. He has it all planned out. His blueprint for your life may not be how you pictured, but it is better! His understanding is so much higher than ours and He sees our lives from beginning to end. I know sometimes it’s hard to wait. I know sometimes it hurts to wait. I know sometimes you even want to harm someone else that has what you want. I know that longing…sometimes it is uncontainable. But even in those tragic, heartbreaking, angry moments, God wants your optimism and he wants your anticipation.
And how do you know, maybe you are those special people that are meant to love all those children that long for the same thing as you…a family. There are few things as beautiful as when someone adopts a child and says, “I choose you. Forever.”
So let me say in the words of Isaiah, “Sing, O barren woman…burst into song, shout for joy! Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back…” God has everything planned out. Perfectly. Wait expectantly for Him to move. And He will. He is already.
Now to hang my sock.
Rediscovering Simplicity 