What’s in a word?

“Year of Unapologetic” is wrapping up and I am absolutely dumbfounded at what I’ve learned this year; I am amazed at how one word changed my outlook of myself, my world, my Jesus. When I chose it in January, I used it with pure skepticism that really anything positive would come from it but just a lot of made up confidence and stories.

As I ventured through the year with this word, I realized quick that it was definitely misunderstood. Some labeled it in conversation as a bit egocentric, especially in some of my Christian circles. It appeared that my focus was so much on ME, so much on bettering ME and understanding ME and valuing ME, and to be honest, where was Christ in that?

Um…everywhere.

I have brought these concerns to Jesus so many times, a bit embarassed and wondering, “Man, God, are these people right?” And every time I have prayed that prayer I get an all-encompassing peace (and sometimes even whispers within), “No, this is your journey. They don’t know your journey. This is your next step. Just. Keep. Going.”

I spent so many years burying my head in shame and fear and anxiety about who I was as Manda that it chained me from what God has been calling me to do. I have spent my life apologizing for myself in ways and areas that I have no reason to apologize for. I marked that as being kind and humble, but all it did was make me weak and spineless (and dare I say, ineffective) for God’s Kingdom.

To NOT live authentically as Manda, as the Manda God created with the passions and wildness and uniqueness and battle scars and rawness and realness that I encompass, is to miss a part of Jesus that I am meant to share. God speaks through these things and shines in the beauty and rough-edges that make up me.

A phrase hit me like a ton of bricks this fall, “You don’t know what’s on the other side of obedience.” I have run with this. I have learned to say yes to pretty much everything. It’s easier to say yes to things when you are living unapologetically and fearless. Even in the face of pure fear and uttering nonstop prayers as I kept taking next steps, it has pryed open my eyes to the amazingness that awaits on the other side of obedience.

You want a full life? Follow Jesus. You want a crazy life? Follow Jesus. Are you an adrenaline junkie (because I definitely know a few)? Follow Jesus. Take that step of obedience, no matter how small, and see a journey unfold. And not just any journey, but a journey that makes you swear you’ll never turn back.

In this year I have found my voice. I have found my voice and I am not too timid to use it. And just to be clear, not all words I say are good, but wow, sometimes the words that come out are so timely in my life or someone else’s life that I am just shocked. God has used my awkward bravery in ways that I cannot fully write out here.

Boldness, confidence, bravery, zeal, vision, passion – these have been the fruits of Year of Unapologetic. Daring to seek God for my identity and my voice and allowing His opinion to outweigh and even shut-up outside critics, this too has been fruit.

I look back at 2018 with grateful tears. How did I get here? How have I gotten this free and healed and empowered and alive?

Jesus. All Jesus. Saying yes to Him. Doing what sounds and looks stupid for Him just because I feel Him nudging me to do so. Living unapologetically, not for myself, but for Him and fully in Jesus.

What’s my new word for 2019? Every word seems lackluster after such an empowering year. But whatever word God breathes into my thoughts, I anticipate the adventure of it. And whatever He chooses, I am completely optimistic of a greater understanding of God and what He wants with me through it.